**** A little forewarning, this might be a little too deep for some. It’s been weighing on my heart for some time to truly share why I have such a passion for weddings and couples, and the time has finally come for me to be okay with sharing my story. So, if you’re looking for something light and airy like I normally share, turn back now!! Don’t say I didn’t warn you…. 😉 ****
Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction when I tell others that I am a couples and wedding photographer, when I tell others that I am a huge Jesus lover, or even when I share my motivational posts. Sometimes I feel like a total fraud, but that is just a part of human nature right? We will always fail at something at some point in time. It kind of goes along with the whole “grass is greener on the other side” type of mindset, or the competition perspective. The truth is, I am a hot mess. Sometimes I have a steady hold on my life, and other times I feel like I am completely up in the air in every sense of the word. I feel like I had a pretty steady grasp on life once upon a time, but then life told me it was time to learn a new lesson. I was always known to be the good girl, the one that people came to for advice or to vent, the responsible one, the sweet one. My life was mainly simple and easy, but we live in a world that is ever changing don’t we? We make wrong turns from time to time, and let me tell you… I might as well have just disconnected my GPS, because I certainly didn’t listen to any of the rerouted guidance that was given to me along my road trip.
This is where the writing has been tough for me to share… Over the past few years, I became the exact opposite person that I had intended to continue being. I became pregnant with someone I wasn’t even sure about. Not only did I marry someone after a few months of knowing them, but it was also rushed due to pregnancy. I ignored so many red flags through my relationship because I was blinding myself. I wasn’t in the relationship for the right reasons, I felt like I needed to be with someone. I wasn’t complete in myself yet, so I tried to find that feeling in someone else. My list could seriously go on for wrong turns, but the point leads to this: I ended up dealing with lies, manipulation, and distrust. I dealt with drug usage, promiscuity and endless tears. I spiraled into depression after depression. There were times I didn’t even care if I made it much longer. I would put on a great facade and try to find any excuse for my feelings but what was actually going on in my personal life. My relationship wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t ideal. What I thought was love turned out to be solely lust once the going got tough. Those feelings flew into the sky, dispersing themselves into the air, right alongside my marriage. It was truly destined for failure.
From the start of my marriage, I thought things were good… just like the start of any relationship. The problem began when values started to mismatch, when interests were solely superficial, when feelings or communication weren’t reciprocated, when trying to work on our marriage started to “feel like another job.” I had a strong desire to leave from the start, but a heartfelt feeling to stay. I spent my entire life while growing up telling myself that I would never get divorced. I was the girl with a family full of divorce, and I for sure was going to do things right in my life. I would be smart enough to make the right decision… Just the mere thought of divorce broke my heart. I knew I was going to have such a healthy and happy marriage, and I wasn’t going to end something that I committed to. I was going to make a vow to my husband and to God, to work through any hard time in front of me, but that didn’t happen. I did what I could to make things work. I prayed. I tried to communicate, you name it. Unfortunately, at the end of the day it takes two to tango, and sometimes people just don’t want to tango with you.
When things didn’t change, I found myself passionately seeking the marriage scene. I had this intense passion for weddings and couples because I had this yearning for couples that were honest to God in love with one another. I had this yearning for couples that were truly amazing friends and lovers. There was this feeling I would get just being around couples that were so infatuated with one another that it would be impossible to ignore their love. I couldn’t help but wish for that in my own life. I would find myself saddened, knowing that those feelings felt by each of my clients would be a feeling I would never have the chance to experience in my own life. It broke my heart, while building it at the same time. I wanted nothing more than to capture these emotions of a true couple. I had an obsession with the huge hearts being shared, and a desire to share it with the rest of the world. Looking back I know my passion would not have been even half as strong had I been in a steadily founded loving relationship. Had I had the type of marriage that God intended, I honestly probably would never have been interested in couples photography like I am now. God constantly brought these reminders into my life of what a true marriage was meant to be like, and it only brought me more hope for my future.
Of course most of you know already, I ended up moving back to my home state last fall, and am preparing for a divorce. However, I am not writing this for sorrows. I have had endless “Come to Jesus” moments, constant worship, numerous late nights, and continuous growth since moving back home. Within my first month of being back home I felt a tremendous regrowth and strength build its way back into my life. I truly cannot stress what toxin can do to your body, and how even with a short time outside of it, what a change leaving it can do to someone’s life. If you’re reading this, it’s because I’ve healed so much from my situation that I’m finally comfortable enough to share it. I’m honestly not completely sure why I’m sharing it all, except maybe to remind you that true love really does exist, and to (please, please, please) not settle for anything or anyone. Whether you’re the one in that kind of love, or you’re where I once was, I want you to know that true love really does exist. Have I found it yet? Maybe not, but I know it exists. I’ve witnessed it time and time again through others I’m surrounded by. The biggest thing I hope you can take from this post is how essential it is to have strong values and completeness in your own self before devoting yourself to anyone else. I cannot stress how beneficial to your life it will be once you realize you are complete on your own, and that anyone else added to your life is just an addition. Your significant other can be a magnificent addition to your life, but they should only complement you, not complete you. Finding someone should never be a necessity, they should be a bonus. Remember that.
Now, I hope I didn’t completely bore you with my life story… but I did at least bring pictures!! I hope this post helped bring some light into why I do what I do, and why I am so passionate about it even being the single mother that I am!